Englische Witze

I’ve Had A Course In First Aid

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy

intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, and a woman

rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man

emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, „It’s all right

honey, I’ve had a course in first aid.“

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man’s pulse and

prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped

him on the shoulder and said,

„When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I’m already here.“

 

The Camels

The little camel asks his mother:

Mum why do we have these big humps?

Because in these hump there is some water and in the hot desert we can

drink.

And mum. Why do we have this large fur?

Because the dessert at night is so cold and then we don’t feel cold.

And mum. Why do we got these big hoofs.

Because the desert the sand is hot and the hoofs save us from the hot

sand.

But mum. What the fuck are we doing here in the national zoo?

 

Nothing On From The Waist Down

A man came walking up to his grandparent’s house when he noticed his

grandfather sitting on the porch, in a rocking chair, with nothing on

from the waist down.

„Grandpa, what are you doing?“ he exclaimed. The old man looked off in

the distance without answering.

„Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the

waist?“ he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, „Well, last week I sat out

here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s

idea.“

 

Don’t Pee In The Pool

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming

pool. „You’re not allowed to pee in the pool!“ yells the lifeguard.

„But everyone pees in the pool,“ said Little Johnny.

„Maybe,“ said the lifeguard, „but not from the diving board!“

 

The Chauffeur

One day the Pope is coming to America in his Limo and he said to the

driver, „Why don’t you let me drive for ones.“

The driver thinks to him self, „Well I can’t say no to this guy, he’s

the pope.“ So the driver pulls over and they change places. The Pope was

having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging cars. After a while

the driver taps on the window and tells the Pope, „slow down a bit, you

might get pulled over.“

The Pope says, „ahhh, don’t worry about it, I’m the Pope.“ So he rolls

up the window and continues to drive very fast. After a few moments he

gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and the Pope rolls down the

tinted window. The cop sees the Pope and says, „oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can

you hold on a minute.“

The Pope says, „sure“

The cop walks back to his car and radios back to the station. He says,

„guys I just pulled over some one really important.“

They ask who, „The President?.“

„No more important.“

„The president of another country.“

„No more important.“

„An ambassador.“

„No even more important.“

„Well who is it.“

„I don’t know, but the Pope is the chauffeur.“

 

Be Quiet

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding

down Main Street.

„But officer,“ the man began, „I can explain…“

„Just be quiet,“ snapped the officer. „I’m going to let you cool your

heels in jail until the chief gets back.“

„But, officer, I just wanted to say…,“

„And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!“

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, „Lucky

for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good

mood when he gets back.“

„Don’t count on it,“ answered the fellow in the cell. „I’m the groom.“

 

The Final Exam

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the

UW. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new

students, having over 800 students in the class! The examination was two

hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very

strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in

exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the

professor for an exam booklet.

„You’re not going to have time to finish this,“ the professor said, as

he handed the student a booklet. “ Yes I will,“ replied the student. He

then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students

filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued

writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was

sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put

his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

„No you don’t, I’m not going to accept that. It’s late.“ The student

looked incredulous and angry. „Do you know who I am?“ „No, as a matter

of fact I don’t,“ replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his

voice.

„Do you know who I am?“ the student asked again. „No, and I don’t care,“

replied the professor with an air of superiority. „Good,“ replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and ran out of the room.

 

Smack

In a train carriage there were 4 people, an Englishman, a Frenchman, a

spectacular looking blonde and a really ugly woman.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark

tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the

tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

The blonde thought – „That French son of a bitch wanted to touch me and by

mistake, he must have put his hand on the ugly woman, who in turn must have slapped his face“

The ugly woman thought – „That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him“.

The Frenchman thought – „That f*****g Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me“.

The Englishman thought – „I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack

that French twat again“.

 

Sick Most Mornings

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,

„Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?“

The mother says, „It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.“

The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and

says, „Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant –

about 4 months, would be my guess.“

The mother says,

„Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!

Have you, Debbie?“

Debbie says,

„No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!“

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five

minutes pass and finally the mother says, „Is there something wrong out there doctor?“

The doctor replies,

„No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this

happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the

hill. And there’s no way I’m going to miss it!“

 

Completely Blind

Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual

contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions.

If they got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood

that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor

said, „Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?“

Jon said, „I’d be half blind.“

„That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?“

„I’d be completely blind.“ The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and

told him he was free.

On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned

the exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked

and gave him the answers.

So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked,

„What would happen if I cut off one ear?“

Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said,

„I’d be half blind.“

The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on.

„What if I cut off the other ear?“

„I’d be completely blind,“ Amanpreet answered.

„Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?“

„My hat would fall down over my eyes.“

 

Speed Trap

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following

exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.

Officer: This car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s

card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes, sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the

woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was

quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to

handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

The driver’s license was valid.

Captain: Who’s car is this?

Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’s card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a

gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s

a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you

told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the

glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, and I’ll bet the lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding,

too!

 

Horn Accident

One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his

car horn by mistake.

She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, „I did that by accident.“

She replied, „I know that, daddy.“

He replied, „How’d you know?“

The girl said, „Because you didn’t say ‚JERK‘ afterwards!“

Have You Found Jesus Yet?

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by

the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher.

The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,

„Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?“

The drunk looks back and says, „Yes, Preacher, I sure am.“

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right

back up.

„Have you found Jesus?“ the preacher asked.

„Nooo, I didn’t!“ said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up

and says,

„Now, brother, have you found Jesus?“

„Noooo, I have not, Reverend.“

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this

time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,

„Man, have you found Jesus yet?“

Gasping for air the drunk answer the preacher,

„Are you sure this is where he drowned.“

 

Door To Door

Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a

woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms

that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in

their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced

back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the

door again with the same result — the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,

she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when

one of them said,

„Ma’am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.“

 

Up Close Mystery

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the

stage.

He whispers to the usher, „This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.“

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a

quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers,

„The wife did it.“

 

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

(You need to know how „Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?“ works . . . )

A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very

frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.

His wife answered, „Not tonight dear I have a headache.“

The man replied, „Is that your final answer“?

She said, „Yes.“

He said. „Ok, then, I’d like to phone a friend.“

 

Custody

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West

Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce

in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she

had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of

them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked

for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the

mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, „Judge, when I put a

dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to

me or the machine?“

 

Avid Golfer

This bloke is an avid golfer, actually he is a golf fanatic. He has an early booking every Saturday morning and plays all day. One Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour, there is snow mixed with the rain and an 80km/h wind is blowing. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel and finds the bad weather is set for the day. So he puts his clubs away, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife’s back, and says,“The weather out there is terrible.“ To which she replies, „Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing?“

 

The drunk driver says, „Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!“

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said „It’s O.J. again. He’s up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations.“

„Donations!“ I said, „How much you got so far?“

He said „about ten gallons.“

 

On a rural road a state trooper pulled a man over and said: „Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?“

To which the man replied: „Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!“

 

Tom wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Tom looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table:

„Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.“

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Tom asks, „Son, what happened last night?“

His son says, „Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.“

Confused, Tom asks, „So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?“

His son replies, „Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, „Lady, leave me alone, I’m married!“

A self-induced hangover – $100.00

Broken furniture – $200.00

Breakfast – $10.00

Saying the right thing – Priceless

 

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says“ Do you know who I am?“ and the old man sips his beer and answers „yep“. The Devil says „Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?“ The old man looks over and says“ I’ve been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you.“

 

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said:

– I forgot my teeth.

The man said:

– No problem.

With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.

– Try these – he said.

The speaker tried them.

– Too loose – he said.

The man then said:

– I have another pair…try these.

The speaker tried them and responded:

– Too tight.

The man was not taken back at all. He then said:

– I have one more pair of false teeth…try them.

The speaker said:

– They fit perfectly.

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

– I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I’ve been looking for a good dentist.

The man replied:

– I’m not a dentist. I’m the local undertaker.

 

A guy takes his ill and aging wife in to the doctor’s office.

After a full examination, the doc tells the guy it’s one of two things.

The Doc says:

– Well, it’s either Alzheimers disease or AIDS.

– What do you mean! – The guy says – Can’t you tell the difference?

– Well – says the Doc – the two look a lot alike in the early stages… Tell you what ya do…Drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don’t have sex with her anymore!

 

A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear.

He goes into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a thermometer behind his ear?

In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and exclaims:

– Damn, some asshole has my pen!

 

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, `You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I`ll give you each a dollar if you`ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.`

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. `This recession`s really putting a big dent in my income,` he told them. `From now on, I`ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.`

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

`Look,` he said, `I haven`t received my Social Security check yet, so I`m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?`

`A freakin` quarter?` the drum leader exclaimed. `If you think we`re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you`re nuts! No way, dude. We quit!` And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.