Englische Anrufbeantworter-Sprüche

Funny Answering Machine Messages


„We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we’ll get back to, pending credit approval.“



„You have reached the <city>,<state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we’ll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.“



„Hello. This is Chris. John and Mike aren’t here right now, but if you leave a message, they’ll get back to you as soon as they can.“



[imitating Ensign Chekov]

„Oh, sair…it was *Khan*! He made us say things…do things…he kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as he can!“ <BEEP>



[imitating Mr. Rogers]

„Hello. I’m in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can’t come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure…I knew you could.“ <BEEP>



Steve: Hello. Steve and Matt aren’t here right now but if…

Matt: Steve, what are you doing?

Steve: I’m leaving a phone message since we aren’t here.

Matt: But you left the last one — it’s my turn.

Steve: No, I’m sure it’s my turn.

Matt: No, you’re incorrect. It’s definitely my turn.

Steve: You fool. I know it’s … wait … Matt … what are you doing with that frying pan?!?

BONK [really loud thud]

Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.



„Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?“



„This is (#include phone.addr). We are not … excuse me a moment, please. Put your sister down. PUT YOUR SISTER DOWN! (sound of window breaking) Great! What a mess. I’ll have to get back to you later.“



„Finally get an answering machine. Now how does this thing work?


Press record button, I did that, and the light should be on. I wonder why it’s not working right. Hmmmm, I wonder what this button does……“



A friend of mine at school has this message, read by three people while the STAR TREK theme plays in the background.

1: Room 17, the final frontier.

2: These are the messages of Chad’s answering machine. Its 2 semester mission: to seek out your name and your telepohne number.

3: To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.



(Annoying flute music in background) Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.



„Steve is reassembling Elvis‘ brain and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name …“, etc.



„Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I’ll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week’s National Enquirer.“



In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music <In a soft voice> Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession. At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. <Beep>



Hi this is <name>. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.




A friend was at a mutal friend’s sister’s house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, „HI, THIS IS KATHY, I’M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I’LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I’M FEELING BETTER.“



I worked for a bit in the coastguard in Wales and I used to send weather reports to other bases, using a sort of antique FAX machine. I would call first on a special telephone and then send the data. They used to answer the phone with:

“ Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking.“

“ Hartland home for lost whores.“ (that was Hartland CG)

“ Da, zis iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?“

“ Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:

T minus one minute and counting“

And then there was one phone we didn’t use, with a number one off that of the local take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with that phone.

„Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? — Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?“ (silence…click)

„Vancouver coastguard, may I help you.“ British long distance rates are phenomenonal and I had this poor dude sputtering with horror that he had managed to make a long distance call by dialing five digits.




In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans.

<Husky, Soft female voice is best> Hi,… You’ve just reached {name} pleasure palace. We’re all busy as I’m sure you can tell but when we’re done… we’ll get back to you in whatever way we can. <Beep>

You wouldn’t believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one…



[b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented]

„hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. please leave a message…“ etc.



[the quiet, eerie vocal part of ‚hello, earth‘ by kate bush]

(after about 30 seconds): „hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we can’t come to the phone right now because we’re at vespers. please leave a message…“ etc. (30 more seconds of music before the beep.)



(Spoken in a granny voice)

„Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn‘ have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin‘ machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don‘ like ‚em, but I shay it’ll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.“

Must be spoken in a drawl.



However, the most effective one I have had so far can be used only one day per year: „This is David. I’m not using the phone over Yom Kippur, so please leave a message or call back after the holiday.“ No one wants to admit not having realized it was Yom Kippur or not knowing I would pick one holiday from the whole calendar on which to get observant, so everyone hangs up and leaves me no bad news or requests for favors.



„Speak, worm!“ <beep>

Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.



„You know what to do at the tone.“ <beep>



„Hello?“ <beep>

This confuses anyone who doesn’t know you.



„Hello, I’m not here.“ <beep>



(in an Italian mafia-style tone:)

„Hello. I can’t come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we’re going to have to size it a little… <aside> HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you’ll hear from me. If not, _you’ll_hear_ from_Guido! ( a little laughter )… “



(To the tune of „Heartbreak Hotel“ with appropriate instrumental accompaniment)

I just left home baby

I’ll be out fer a spell

and if you don’t leave a message baby

you can go to <BEEP>



Hello, this is <insert your name here>. I’m home right now, and in a few moments, I’ll have a decision to make.




Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.



One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes: The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS…. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP






Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today’s commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not… er… bear a… er… shalt not witness thy… uh… neighbor’s ass, oh, I mean, false… er… shalt not commit a bear… dern…



How do you leave a message on this thing? I can’t understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this… YOW!!



I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.



I can’t come to the phone now, so… hey — that’s a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time… yes indeedy. Why don’t you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings… I might even play my beep for you…



Don’t you do it! Don’t you dare! I don’t want to hear it! Don’t you beep! If you beep, I’ll… don’t even think about it!… Don’t…!



After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I’ll get back to you as soon as it’s safe for you to come out of hiding.



Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…



As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone… the telephone is next to an answering machine… you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine… you hear a beep…



You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.



No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!



This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.



Next on Public Radio 91 we’ll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72…



I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you’re from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.



Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway’s not here right now, but if you’ll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he’ll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn’t count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!



Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren’t ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.



C’mon… you can do it… just a little one. That’s the way… just a little beep, just a little one. C’mon… good boy… here we go… like this — beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c’mon… There you go!



I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.



I can’t come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.



Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we’ll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.



Ok, One more time…

This is our answering machine…

This is the message on our answering machine…

…Any questions?